September 7, 2004
this could be my last
i would like to regret the day when i finally told myself to get up and go. i left her, and as odd as it sounds, i dont feel less human for doing so. it bothered me for like a day or two, but i realized that nothing really changed: i am still breathing, i am still in my room, still in california, still far away from it all. yes i woke up and decided to leave her - simple as that - never easy to do as much as it sounds. there arent really much to leaving her.... i never planned it; well, its one of those things that people do just because.
i left and currently with another woman.
when she found out, i froze. when she called my phone and asked me to call her back if i had enough decency left in me, i never called. one, all that is within my decision are finally sinking in - my god, for the longest time - and it hurt. two, i thought that right then and there i should cut any conversation between she and i - i mean, its quite pointless really. i did her wrong, therefore i must suffer, eh? and third, silence is a killer - whether it be i killing a part of her in me, or giving her a chance to do the same - really, i rather not elaborate. its not that i did not have enough conscience and decency of a human, its only that i would prefer not to talk anymore.
and talk no more i must do - so whats the whole purpose of this journal? nothing really - at least not that much of importance. journals such as this, only brought bittersweet sorrow, and i would not have it anymore. there was nothing to be done anymore....the second time still wasnt the charm; nor would be the third or fourth or fifth - if it happened to had such.
its sad really. i fell in love with someone ive dreamt of all my life, but it wasnt the right time. its hard to forget someone like her. there are nights when i find myself thinking of her out of the blue and loving her in my memory more and more. but thats all there is to it, i like to keep it that way. nonetheless, i hope katherine is happy and well. she'll be forever in my heart and mind.
aishiteru kat-chan, forever.
i left and currently with another woman.
when she found out, i froze. when she called my phone and asked me to call her back if i had enough decency left in me, i never called. one, all that is within my decision are finally sinking in - my god, for the longest time - and it hurt. two, i thought that right then and there i should cut any conversation between she and i - i mean, its quite pointless really. i did her wrong, therefore i must suffer, eh? and third, silence is a killer - whether it be i killing a part of her in me, or giving her a chance to do the same - really, i rather not elaborate. its not that i did not have enough conscience and decency of a human, its only that i would prefer not to talk anymore.
and talk no more i must do - so whats the whole purpose of this journal? nothing really - at least not that much of importance. journals such as this, only brought bittersweet sorrow, and i would not have it anymore. there was nothing to be done anymore....the second time still wasnt the charm; nor would be the third or fourth or fifth - if it happened to had such.
its sad really. i fell in love with someone ive dreamt of all my life, but it wasnt the right time. its hard to forget someone like her. there are nights when i find myself thinking of her out of the blue and loving her in my memory more and more. but thats all there is to it, i like to keep it that way. nonetheless, i hope katherine is happy and well. she'll be forever in my heart and mind.
aishiteru kat-chan, forever.
Posted by punkxxvinerd on September 7, 2004 at 12:01 PM | too john mayer-i